Why is my child ill? When your pregnancy goes not like expected.

You are pregnant. Finally! So much happiness, especially after moments of difficulties, miscarriages and emotional pain. A rainbow comes out after a dark storm. But yet, you suddenly learn that the child that you carry is ill. And you start to wonder: what did I do wrong?...

It is often the mothers that blame themselves when something goes “wrong” with the pregnancy. Maybe you still blame yourself for your miscarriage. For the huge loss that broke your heart and caused immense pain. Often we want to believe that we are in control of everything, but the truth is – we are not.

While working with moms-to-be whose children are suddenly ill or have some health issues I observe all these emotions of self-guilt, self-remorse, pain of injustice (why me? why my child?) and the drive to be able to control it all.

Every mother wants the best for her child. That’s a fact. When you are pregnant you can’t escape life, be positive and ignore the pain. Stuff happens. Arguments with your partner happen. Worse days happen. And it is okay. That’s all part of life.

But why me? Why my child?

These are questions we tend to ask ourselves when we find out that our child is ill. We were eating healthy, taking rest, speaking to the baby in our belly. But still something went wrong and now the baby, as small as it is, is sick. This is the “why me? why my child?” moment when we ask ourselves these questions and start blaming us. For no reason. Feeling it must have been me, because I am the mother and the baby is in my womb. By acting like this you think you are in control of everything that happens to you in your life. But are you? Can we say that we own our reality? Do you really think you can be held responsible for your neighbour, your partner or your own child?

You cannot. However, you have certain influence no matter the harshness of the situation. Naturally, being pregnant and getting the information that your child is ill can be traumatic. You feel fear and injustice. You try to search for the possible causes. But there’s one powerful thing you can do right now to relieve the stress and the fear.

Communicate with your child

Children, even at such an early stage like pregnancy, feel the emotional states of the mother. Children love their parents with the so-called “blind love” and will do everything for them. In family constellations we observe this with the so-called movement “I instead of you”. Children take the burdens and problems of their parents on their small shoulders to be able to protect the parents. It’s a kind of natural instict because a child’s life is based on the survival and well-being of its mother.

Your child, by getting sick, may want to take on its shoulders your emotional conflict or anything that causes you pain. Its doing it out of love for you and out of pure survival. That can be one of the reasons why children get ill or exhibit certain abnormalities in pregnancy.

How to solve this? How to tell your child that you are the grown-up and you will solve your own issues and you don’t need help for that from the side of your little baby?

Words of wisdom

When you feel that you resonate with this text I encourage you to make this small exercise with your baby. It works for both situations: when you are pregnant and when you already gave birth, or when your child is small (between 1-10 years old).

Touch your belly and establish a conscious bond with your child. Call it by the name you chose for him or her. It’s important that you lie down in a comfortable position and take time for this exercise. You can use the words below or adapt them to your liking.

"My dear baby. Your mother is big and she will handle all her problems. All her emotions and turmoils. You do not need to take any of my problems on your shoulders. You are my child. My little one. My precious gift. And I am the big one. I am the grown-up. I will handle everything. Trust me. I am your mother and you are my child. I am accepting you the way you are. I am so happy for you that you chose me to be your mother. I am big and you are small. I am your mother and you are my child".

“Big” and “small” are words that I use to distinguish the law of hierarchy according to family constellations. Children shouldn’t take the issues of the parents upon themselves. As soon as you make a point that you, as the “big” one, as the grown-up, will solve your own issues and take care of your emotions, you make your baby free from getting entangled with your feelings and problems.

There’s something else that you can do: accept the situation. Accept the disease of your baby. Accept the pain. And allow it to be. Agree for life just the way it comes. Yes, I am aware that it is hard to react like this. But how about remembering that your environment (thoughts, deeds, words, feelings) helps to shape the reality around?

What if I told you that your love, your service to your child and your acceptance of the situation can change the biochemistry of your body and thus biochemistry of the child that you carry in your womb?

You are the perfect mother for your child.

You did everything as best as you could.

You are enough.

Please remember about it during your unique journey of pregnancy ❤️

Aleksandra